Warning: spoiler alert, and you’ll be glad I ruined it for you. I’ll have saved you from viewing this box office run-on sentence.

Jurassic World was a contrived effort. That’s all I can say. In this instance, the rule that a sequel will generally suck after the first blockbuster hit was not broken. The alluring trailer seemed promising, but upon seeing the whole movie it became clear that the show stopping action sequences had one mortal flaw: they were trying too hard for a hit.

Over all the film felt forced, strung together by a shoestring plot that anyone in grade school could have written. Much like a stereotypical horror movie, the character’s choices of self preservation were downright laughable.

Who would hide from a raptor by locking herself in a room and then pulling her quilt over her head? The camera shot of the raptor’s hand reaching for the covers was a classic film nod to the original Jurassic Park and one that sold the viewer by its teasing placement in the trailer. But in this newer movie, it felt like it had been stuck in the final cut in the film like a sore thumb: unnecessary to the plot and merely a selling point for the film.

The love story was nonexistent, highlighted with only a few bad jokes and an ill-placed kiss scene that left the audience asking, ‘really? There’s a raptor chasing a kid in the other room, but you two choose to make out now at all times?’

Even the dark undertones of genetic engineering throughout the movie and the overt warnings from the filmmakers felt underplayed and drowned by ‘jump scares’ that were nothing but predictable. Giving the audience a tease that perhaps human cloning had taken place in the laboratory felt like it had been placed in the movie merely to give intrigue and keep the viewer watching to find out if the young girl was indeed a clone. And at that, the tease was never explored; only one more loose thread left behind by a rapidly unraveling film.

Undoubtedly the stellar box office performance of the first reboot was the inspiration for this waste of two hours in a movie theatre. But somewhere in the film’s development, the audience itself was forgotten. Hollywood executives drastically insulted their viewers by presenting them with the same movie simply repackaged with new jokes and with the same premise and same Dino’s. Nostalgia was the main selling tool, and one they successfully – and desperately – exploited.

Jurassic World was nothing but one giant action sequence meant to sell tickets and to set the scene for the third movie which was heavily implied by the almost-cliffhanger ending. The main characters were dead-set on ‘saving’ the creatures which were avidly hunting them down, even setting them free to prey on society at the end… giving Hollywood the perfect excuse to create a third movie.

But one thing remains true. The title ‘Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom’ was the perfect name for the movie. It reflects how perfectly the franchise has ‘fallen’ from its original glory. One can only hope that the next movie is called Jurassic World: Dinosaur Extinction.

But I might make a suggestion on how to make this film credible. Turn it black and white and feature it as a ‘classic film’ from the 1950’s. Even with all the technological puffery that went into the making of this film, the special effects were weak in comparison to the real life puppetry used in classic science fiction films. Even Sharknado looked plausible in comparison to this train wreck, whether it be by plot or special effects, in all the continuing Sharnako’s 3, 4, 5, and even 6, movies. Need I say more?

Come on, guys. Really? This was the best you could do with a $187,000,000 dollar budget? Do better with the next sequel which is already in pre-production. It’ll be hitting us in 2021.

And gee, I can hardly wait. Stay true to Michael Crichton’s original books and I might be impressed. Let’s not insult his legacy again, shall we?

– Maggie Lynn Heron-Heidel

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